


coming for the cold, buried under the heat, lay you on the floor (i was only falling in love)

by commandmetobewell



Series: The Commander, the Princess, the Mechanic, and the Warrior [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Birthday Sex, F/F, Foursome - F/F/F/F, OT4, Polyamory, also the one in which titus isn't a bag of dicks, and indra is low-key the biggest clextaven shipper, and so angry potato + agitated chipmunk + smol birb come up with a plan, and they hire their adopted son aden to help, emo bean has never celebrated a birthday before, it's been awhile since my last 4am fic so here you go, laughs and tears and good times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-03-18
Packaged: 2018-05-27 10:58:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6281854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commandmetobewell/pseuds/commandmetobewell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commanders never have the luxury of celebrating their birthdays, but Commanders don't always have the luxury of living in peace, either. After finding out that their Heda's special day is coming up, the three lovers come up with an elaborate idea for a birthday gift. Knowing them, things don't always run according to plan, but that doesn't mean it can't work itself out in the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	coming for the cold, buried under the heat, lay you on the floor (i was only falling in love)

**Author's Note:**

> Holy shit, you guys, I don't know if it's because it's 4am again, but I think this might be my favourite Clextaven fic I've written thus far. I'm not usually proud of my early morning works, but damn this one was really fun to write and an emotional roller coaster, that's for sure. There's everything you could want in this fic -- you got your angst, your fluff, your smut, your family feels, your tears and laughter -- everything.
> 
> Based off the prompt by Wolfsbane101 on AO3: "It's Lexa's birthday and Raven, Clarke and Octavia find out about it. But Lexa has never celebrated her birthday before because "Commanders lives are so short and fleeting, that there is no use in celebrating...there is nothing to celebrate" (what I imagine that Lexa would say anyway) That and she's practically lost everybody in her life who she would want to celebrate with anyway, so she just stopped celebrating. Lexa finds out that Clarke, Raven and Octavia know about her birthday and are looking for her to help her celebrate the day so she does everything she can to try and avoid them e.g. meetings, training, hiding out in the markets, hanging out with the Nightbloods, hunting, anything to avoid her 3 partners making such a fuss. She thinks she's being super sneaky, but little does she know that her citizens are helping Clarke, Raven and Octavia out by giving them subtle hints as to where she is and also giving them a small token or gift to give to Lexa for her birthday, because they know that she'd never except it from them otherwise. They just want their commander to be happy and they know that Clarke, Raven and Octavia make her happy, so that's why they do everything in their power to help. And it's all fluffy and a little bit heartbreaking (cause Lexa is an emotional little bean deep down)."
> 
> Happy birthday, lovely reader! I hope this fulfilled your prompt! I kinda altered who was sneaking, though. I hope it's still good though. I did write this on St Patty's day, but alas, I kinda got caught up and it may have come out a day later than expected, so happy belated birthday? Haha! I hope it was great! :) Sorry again that I was a day late -- I got way too invested in writing this lmao. It was literally such a joy ride. Thank you for the wonderful prompt!
> 
> The next half of the other fic will be uploaded shortly. Apologize for the tardiness -- I had like three midterms and a giant paper due this week so I was pretty much slammed with work :( Expect lots of uploads soon for all my Clexa fics, though! I will also try and get back to your comments ASAP! <3
> 
> Story title is based off the song, "Only" by RY X. (Highly recommend listening while reading!)

Titus has been the _fleimkapa_ for four commanders. This is his fifth time. He should be an expert at this, right?

Wrong.

Lexa is older now, and Titus will try to ignore the building pride at how beautifully she's blossomed in her years as Heda. He loves her more than he lets on, and he would be willing to take a bullet or dagger to his heart for her survival. The previous commanders were all about death, blood, vengeance, ways that had been engrained in their people since they'd first survived the bombings. Lexa, on the other hand, was always different. Titus remembers the day she'd found her in the _Trikru_ forests, hiding in the trees with a toothy grin. She was a scrawny thing, barely pushing four years of age as she'd clambered down and toddled over to him. The previous commander's _seken_ had found her playing with some of the wolf cubs, rolling around in the dirt and wrestling with them, despite the obvious lack of muscle on her wiry bones. No known parents, no siblings -- Lexa was just a little girl in the woods, lost and alone.

And little Lexa had taken his robes in her fist and yanked, all the while grinning like the petulant child she'd been.

"She's alone," Anya, Heda Josquin's younger sister had said as she'd peeked around the Commander's leg, "we should take her?"

"A commander has no place for children," Titus had scolded as he'd noticed a light warm the Commander's hazel gaze, "love is weakness."

"But Titus!" Anya practically whined as Lexa had waddled her way over to the older girl. "She's so cute and tiny! We can't leave her with the wolves."

"She's a Nightblood," Josquin murmured as she saw a dried cut upon the brunette's forehead. "She must come with us."

And then, as Titus looked down to Lexa's burning green eyes, her gaze as sharp as the wolves that'd raised her, he knew there'd been no other option.

What he'd never have expected was how he'd grow fond of her, protective of her, cautious of her at times, too. He never anticipated how he'd dote on her like the daughter he'd lost to the Mountain Men before Lexa's birth. Lexa never cared much for his teachings on meditation or the strenuous preachings (she was of the forest and the wolves, patience was _not_ her strong suit). While she couldn't sit still for two minutes of breathing techniques and teachings, she'd always be still and calm enough to listen to his many stories. Stories of the previous Commanders, of the wars, of the bloodshed, of the past. And each time he'd recount them, she'd ask the same questions. _Why couldn't they get along? What about peace? Why not join the clans together?_ She was innocent, despite the horrors she'd seen. Flashbulb memories of her parents being cut down by Ice Nation warriors in a fierce battle, of watching a murderer getting his throat ripped out by the wolves that'd protected her, of nothing but destruction and pain, but she never let them hinder away from thoughts of peace.

When Josquin died at twenty-six, the oldest living Heda since his position as the last of the Old Guard, he knew that things were about to be different.

Prophecies told of the girl with the forest in her eyes and the earth in her hair bringing a change to their worlds. The truth-seekers and the Shamans all told the same tales, of the girl who was one with the animals and man alike, one who had a heart of gold and a fist of iron. One that could drown out the blood in place of olive branches and proud banners. Lexa excelled in English and Old World Literature, became the most impressive strategy-game player and mathematician before she properly matured into a woman. Her soul remained pure as she was thrust into the Conclave, forced to sacrifice the lives of her friends, her fellow Nightbloods until the Commander's Spirit intertwined itself with her own. The only Nightblood she couldn't kill had been Costia. 

Costia, Titus knows, was what broke the girl made of steel.

He'd tried to tell her, convince her that a Commander's life is meant to be alone, but she'd never listened. Lexa never was good at listening to him, too stubborn and forward and confident in her own beliefs to trust in him. He couldn't have blamed her, not in the slightest, for no matter what he would teach her, she would take her own spin, her own perspective. But despite the disagreements, she wouldn't invalidate his teachings and concerns. It is for that reason that when Titus rushed into her room upon hearing her scream one morning, when he found her pressed against her wall with wide eyes and tears streaking down her cheeks as she'd slumped down, when he saw just what _gift_ the Queen had laid in her bed, when he smelt the death, he didn't turn away. He'd watched as Indra, Gustus, and Anya had stormed in, how Anya had been the first to move to take Lexa into her arms and hush her sobs. 

It was then, Titus realized, that he'd do anything to prevent her feeling loss like that again.

But now, as Titus stands with Indra observing Lexa and Octavia teaching the Nightbloods some combat techniques, that he finds himself questioning his previous beliefs. After Costia's death, Lexa walked around like she was a shell, that the soul inside of her was so broken that not even the finest healer could patch it up. Titus never asked why she preferred to sleep on the couch, why she never drew near her bed, why she screamed in the night. He never pushed her to talk about her grief, about how the girl that she'd seen as the sun and the moon and the stars, about her loss had shattered her. He'd never ask her about the hollow gaze in her eyes, about the lack of life, about the limp in her step from too many night spent training and sparring with Anya. 

And despite the loss, the suffering, the loneliness and pain, Lexa is alive and living as both the Commander and the girl her spirit occupies.

Titus knows he couldn't be more proud if he tried.

"Hey Baldy!" 

Titus cringes. Well… maybe he could be a _bit_ more proud.

" _Reivon kom Skaïkru_ ," Titus sighs as he turns to see one of his surrogate daughter's mates smirking at him. "Is there something I can do for you?"

"Yeah," Raven nods as she comes to stand beside him, "we were wondering when Lexa's birthday was."

"Birthday?" Titus asks, arching his brow. "What does that mean?"

"You're shitting me right?" Raven guffaws as she crosses her arms and glares in his direction. "Her birthday. The day she was born. Duh."

"I don't know."

"You don't know?" Raven asks in confusion, her glare dropping slightly. "What do you mean you don't know? Lexa said you raised her."

"I _found_ her," Titus corrects as he straightens his back, "there's a difference. I do not know when she was born."

"Okay…," Raven frowns as she hums, shifting her weight from foot to foot until an idea strikes her. "Give me a close estimate. A season."

Titus pulls his lip into his mouth and furrows his brows, turning to face her fully. "Why do you need to know?"

Raven only rolls her eyes. "Because, Baldy, she deserves to celebrate the day she was born. We told her of the custom and she's done it with all of us. It's only right if we can offer the same kind of thing for her. You know, make her feel special and all that good stuff," she can't resist adding a wink to the last part, only to watch as Titus' cheeks tint a faint shade of pink. Raven's smirk grows and she grins at him knowingly. "You said it yourself. Lexa's special."

"Winter," Titus sighs as he rubs the top of his head where his tattoos are, "twenty or so years ago. I believe she will be turning twenty-one this year."

"Ah she's gonna be legal!" Raven chuckles as she shakes her head. Titus pretends not to hear her when she mutters under her breath, "surprising, considering most of the things she's done are _severely_ illegal." Footsteps crunch in the light dusting of snow and Titus has to hold back the groan as Wanheda approaches from behind the bombs specialist. Clarke gives him a smile, one that's full of tease because she knows how much he tolerates them.

"Titus," Clarke greets with a nod. Titus only grunts.

"Wanheda."

"Seriously, I want my cool title," Raven interrupts as she scowls at him. "You're absolutely sure there's no such word as boom in _Trigedasleng_?"

"Positive," Titus quips as he stiffens again, seemingly bored with this conversation. Raven only snorts and then turns to Clarke.

"Baldy says that Lexa was born in the winter. If my math is correct, considering she's turning twenty-one, her birthday must be sometime next week." At this, Titus' brows perk up and he faces her again, pursing his lips as he curiously asks, "how did you figure that out?" Raven merely shrugs as Clarke chuckles, leaning up to kiss her cheek, only to earn a blush from the mechanic. She shoves her hands in her jeans' pockets and grins arrogantly.

"Math, process of elimination, permutations, etc. Nothing too hard," Raven says, winking at him. "I assume that you're probably like… sixty-four."

"I do not keep a track of my age," Titus growls as he turns away, embarrassed. Raven and Clarke both laugh as they hear a throat clearing.

" _Ai Niron_. _Hodnes_ ," Lexa's soft voice pulls them from their staring contest with the older man to see the amused expression of their lover. "How many times have I told you that pestering Titus won't make him like you any better?" Raven's eyes widen and Titus glares at Lexa when the girl shoves his arm.

"You like us? I knew it. The whole 'tough dad' look was just a ploy to ward us off, right?"

"No."

"Can I call you dad, too? I never had one," Raven laughs as she pokes his shoulder again. "You're a bit boring, but your jokes are funny."

"I never joke," Titus says as he turns to her with a frown. Raven spies Lexa and Octavia concealing their smiles from beside her and shrugs.

"Sure you do, but you just don't know that you're joking. Besides, you're like the definition of a worried dad. You'd be the guy that would set our curfew at like nine-thirty and brandish a shotgun at lurking boys." At this Lexa can't help but let out a small chortle, which Titus won't admit, warms his heart a bit.

"You're not too far off," Lexa muses as she comes to stand next to Raven and Clarke, greeting them each with a kiss. "He did glare at Costia."

"Only that _branwada_ was nearly as arrogant as Wanheda when it came to glaring right back," Indra chuckles as she sheathes her sword and stares fondly at her former protogé. Lexa's smile doesn't look haunting like it always did when Costia's name came up, and for that, Indra thanks her mates. She'd always felt for the poor girl, for the fact that her ex-lover never got to see the peace that she and Lexa would spend nights talking about under the trees. She'd seen how miserable her death, how haunted her loss had been on the Commander and it drew Indra to only respect her more for pushing through and not retaliating against the Ice Nation. And now, thirteen clans blossom in peace as a result of her countless sacrifices.

"She always did have a sharp-tongue," Lexa sighs as she fiddles slightly with her fingers, "never scared to share her opinion. She was fiercely loyal."

There's a bit of a quiet moment, and it's not necessarily sad, but it's nostalgic. Octavia walks up and loops her arms around the older woman's waist before digging her head into the space between the brunette's shoulder blades. Raven and Clarke both inch forward, too, surrounding their lover with comfort. In the background, the sounds of the Nightbloods play-flighting drowning out the heavy silence. Indra watches with a soft, content sigh as both Raven and Clarke's hands descend and envelope themselves in Lexa's slightly trembling palms. Sensing the need for privacy, Indra grunts at Titus, "I believe that Tylía had a question about one of your teachings. Something long and boring that I couldn't regurgitate." The women chuckle at the joke and Titus growls.

"Very well," Titus says as he joins her side, bidding a soft farewell to his Nightblood. Lexa only glances up and nods as she watches her teacher's gaze softens gently upon seeing the vulnerability in her green eyes, the life returning to the gems he once thought would be void of it forever.

Yeah, he's an expert at this.

**|#|**

"You figure it out?" Octavia whispers as Lexa disappears into the council chambers with a barely-hidden slouch. "When's her birthday?"

"Next week," Raven says as they make their way back towards their bedroom to get ready for the evening meal. Clarke clambers onto the bed and splays herself out, exhausted from the cold and the walking. She grins into the soft, warm furs, barely catching a hint of their fused scents in the covers. 

"What's our plan?" Clarke asks as she rolls on the bed. "We gotta go all out. She does so much for us."

"Birthday sex," Raven replies smugly, wriggling her eyebrows suggestively and Clarke groans. "What?"

"We're obviously going to have sex, Raven. I mean something… you know, more personal."

"Going down on her until she passes out isn't personal?"

"Raven!" Clarke snaps with a soft giggle, throwing a pillow at the smirking mechanic. "Come on, we gotta think of something meaningful."

"I'd consider a dozen consecutive orgasms meaningful."

"Consider it noted for your next birthday," Clarke banters back with a shake of her head, "but for real, what should we do?"

"I have an idea," Octavia says as she climbs up onto the bed to lay with Clarke, "but it's gonna take some work."

"Yeah? Let's hear it," Raven says as she joins them, her hands reaching out to stroke her jaw. Octavia looks between them and takes a breath.

"Okay," she says as she nods a them seriously, "but first, we're gonna need to talk with Indra."

**|#|**

"Meeting dismissed," Lexa sighs tiredly as she waves her hand at the Ambassadors, "we will continue this tomorrow."

The brunette waits until they have all filed out before she slumps in her chair, thoroughly exhausted by the day's events. Titus and Indra watch on as she tries to straighten up, but the fatigue in her eyes says something completely else. They both know that the previous talks of Costia has worn down on the girl. Though the memories are no longer haunting, there are always days in which she wished she could have seen her once more, held her, spoken to her. Costia wasn't just her lover, but her best friend. Anya was her older sister and Gustus her proud uncle. It hits her then, as she looks up to the empty room, her gaze ghosting over to where Anya would stand during meetings, to where Costia would lean upon the wall during their Nightblood teachings, and she feels her heart twinge a little knowing that she's about to pass another year without either of them to be there to show her support and love.

A door opening shoves the thoughts away from her as Lexa's head snaps upwards to see a pink-cheeked Octavia walk into the room, her eyes on Indra. Lexa cocks her head but Octavia doesn't offer anything but a small smile in her direction before she whispers something under her breath to her former mentor. Indra's eyes widen comically for a bit and she grunts out a few words before seemingly nodding with reluctance. She bids farewell to the Commander and follows her former second out of the war council room and into the halls. Lexa watches with a confused frown. She doesn't like secrets.

" _Reivon_ asked earlier about your birthday," Titus speaks up from beside her and she turns her head, "something about a _Skaïkru_ tradition."

At this, Lexa tenses.

"They wish to celebrate mine?"

"You are turning a year older, Heda."

"I am Commander," Lexa says plainly, jumping the gun on what she believes to be Titus' own thoughts, "I do not need to celebrate."

"You are also _Leksa_ ," Titus says the words a bit awkwardly as he shifts his weight from foot to foot, "perhaps a celebration is due."

This causes Lexa's breath to catch. She stands immediately, ignoring the quivering in her kneecaps as she stumbles over to her teacher, her surrogate father, and stares at him directly. Titus does not break his gaze as he straightens his spine and takes a breath. "I do not mean to overstep my line, Heda, but I think that after everything you've proven, not only to our people, but to me, to our beliefs, I think that perhaps you were right all along?"

"I was right?" Lexa echoes like a dazed puppy. "About what?"

"Love," Titus says as he nods down at her proudly, "perhaps love is not weakness, but strength."

"Titus," Lexa chokes on his name as her hands shake a little at the thought that he approves of her for once. There are tears that mist in her eyes that Titus doesn't miss as he reaches out and lays a hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently. Lexa doesn't think as she finds herself being pulled into a soft embrace, one that transport her back to the nights when she'd awake from a sleep terror as a child, drenched in sweat and crying. She remembers how Titus would hold her, how he would hum about songs of the forest, of the wolves that howled and protected her, how he told her he would do the same.

Lexa feels him hold her then and she nearly collapses at how wonderfully it feels like home.

"I'm proud of you, _ai yongon_. I hope you know that," Titus murmurs into her hair as he holds her close, "please never forget that."

"Never," Lexa whispers into his shoulder as she closes her eyes, " _ai nontu_."

Titus only holds her closer at the title she'd only use when she was a small child.

"But that being said," Lexa whispers as she pulls away to look at the ground, "a celebration of my birth is not needed. I… I'm not…"

Titus sighs when he spots the lingering conflict brewing in those shimmering green eyes and gently cups her face. "Lexa, you must understand that your mates want nothing more than to celebrate a joyous day with you. They wish to show you what you mean to them. They already know what they mean to you. Let yourself have one day." Lexa still looks reluctant, but before she can answer, the doors open again and Indra walks in, eyes glued to Titus.

"She looks ready to end my fight," Titus mutters as Indra stalks up to them. Lexa's lip curls up in a faint smirk as she arches her brow.

"Was that a joke, Titus?" She asks her mentor. Titus keeps his frown in place, but his eyes flicker with small traces of amusement.

"No," he replies with a bit of tease to his voice, "I don't joke."

**|#|**

"She's coming!" Octavia hisses as she glares to where Clarke and Raven are hunched over a piece of paper. "Put it away!"

They rush to hide the evidence of their plans as booted footsteps echo down the halls. They barely manage to get the items in a closet before Lexa strides into the room, eyeing them with a small amount of suspicion. Octavia only gives off an awkward smile as she walks over to peck her lover's cheek.

"Long day, _hodnes_?" The warrior asks her with loving purr. Lexa still looks suspicious, but before she can speak, Clarke and Raven make their way over to her and wrap themselves around her body, peppering her face and neck with kisses as all three of them roam their hands over her tense body.

"Titus told me of your plans," Lexa says as she gently pulls herself from their embraces. "It is not necessary to celebrate my day of birth."

"Lexa…," Clarke trails off as she sighs, placing her head in her hands and shaking her head. "Come on, you're turning twenty-one. That's a big deal!"

"Why?" Lexa asks, perplexed. "It is just another year. Besides, Commander's lives are so short and fleeting, that there is no use in celebrating… there is nothing to celebrate, really. Your concept of birthdays confuses me. I am not sure what there is to celebrate about being born. It is not a victory, we have no control over our lives being given. We are all born in some time, so what makes it special enough to celebrate?" Clarke's frown is still present at the end of Lexa's long ramble and the Commander cringes slightly at the deadpanned expression in the blonde's stormy blue eyes.

"Lexa, _yu_ _branwada_. It's not about the literal day of birth," Clarke scolds with a scoff, "it's about the celebration of life."

"Besides," Raven cuts in as she leans up to peck the older brunette's lips, "you're in a relationship with three Sky girls. You gotta accept our traditions."

"Your traditions make no sense."

"And when you have to tie a man to a post because he pinched Clarke's ass it makes sense?"

"That's different," Lexa growls protectively, reaching for Clarke and pulling her into her side, "he was going to hurt her." Clarke rolls her eyes.

"You're such an Alpha sometimes. It's like you were raised by wolves or something."

"I was," Lexa says without so much as a pause, "that is how Titus and Anya found me."

"Bullshit," Octavia laughs, thinking that Lexa is joking. The older brunette tries to hide the flinch, but as per usual, her emotions are worn on her sleeve. The smirk and grin disappear from Clarke and Raven's face, while Octavia quietens down. Lexa turns her head downwards, both sad and embarrassed at the same time as she remembers the sensation of soft fur and rumbling purrs. They're old memories, barely available to picture, but Lexa feels them deep down. The forest is her soul, the rivers and oceans her blood, the roots of the trees her veins, the rocks her bones -- she is one with the world, just as a Commander should be. But she can't help but feel slightly ashamed when she sees her partners staring at her in both disbelief and shock.

"I'm tired," Lexa opts to say instead as she walks around them and heads to the bed, "it's been a long day."

"Lexa…," Octavia hums sadly as she reaches out and tugs the older woman back into her arms, "I'm sorry. I didn't think."

"Yeah," Clarke murmurs as she winds her arms around her lover's waist, "I didn't believe you because I thought it wasn't possible."

"I think it's badass," Raven jumps in with a faint smile as she peck's Lexa's cheek affectionately, "and I don't doubt that you miss it either, right?"

Lexa doesn't really respond, other than the barest of nods, which causes Clarke, Raven, and Octavia to look at each other. They mentally revise their plans through silent communication in the form of lingering stares and faint nods. After sometime, Lexa's arms tug them each close and they exchange kisses with the vulnerable Commander. Lexa still seems a bit frightened and tense from the whole situation, so the three women simply take to undressing her slowly and calmly before undressing themselves. They climb into bed and curl themselves around her, leaning up to peck her lips before the eldest of the four women falls into a dreamless slumber, surrounding in the warmth of her mates' nude bodies. It doesn't take long for Clarke to follow, with Octavia slumbering soon after, leaving Raven alone to stare at her beautiful partners with a wide, bittersweet smile. All of them have baggage of some sort, some weight or burden to carry. They each have their fair share of losses, a dead lover, of sadness and pain. Between the four of them they only have one parent, unless Titus were to magically announce his adoption of the Commander. And even then, the relationship with Abby is ever delicate.

"I love you all," Raven whispers to all of them as she slinks further into the sheets, nestling her body next to her Heda's own. She nuzzles under the soft skin of Lexa's jaw, earning a sleepy mewl from the slumbering Commander. Lexa's head bobs downwards slightly as she lets out a puff against Raven's forehead. The mechanic only chuckles as she leans forward to softly kiss Lexa on the forehead before leaning her head back down to that muscled shoulder she loves so much. A smile creeps upon her face when she feels Lexa non-consciously wrap her arm around her back and pull her closer.

A spark ignites in her brain as she recalls their previous conversation and all Raven can think before she falls asleep is, _I_   _need to talk to Titus._

**|#|**

Lexa's not stupid.

No, far from it, actually. She knows exactly what's going on. Despite her grumbled needs for her mates to not make a big deal out of her birthday, they are planning something. Lexa snoops, but she knows that Clarke is a politician's daughter, Octavia spent most of her life in secret, and Raven snuck onto a pod and sent herself to Earth. They are practically the 'dream team', as Raven had once said one evening, for secrecy and surprise. And Lexa, being the Commander of Thirteen Clans, who's been subjected to several assassination attempts, kidnappings, and a coup, is not one for surprises.

Every single time she questions them, they deflect her with answers that are too sweet to be untrue but also too suspicious to not be misleading. What doesn't help is that even Indra and Titus are in on it, something she'd never have seen either of them doing. She'd tried to talk to Abby and Kane, but the former had only offered a shrug and a nonchalant answer of ' _my kid is in a relationship with three women, how the hell would I know to keep track?_ ' Meanwhile, Kane looked about ready to combust from how hard he'd been grinning, to which Lexa had turned on him. A jab to the elbow by his girlfriend was the only thing to save the truth from spilling from his lips, and it's then that Lexa realized that perhaps Abby was starting to come to accept her a bit.

It's not that Lexa strives for her attention. She already gets attention. She is Heda. It's that perhaps Abby may be the only other person that Clarke just as much as she values the three of her partners. Abby is important to Clarke, and whoever is important to Clarke is important to Lexa. Even if that _whoever_ happens to be scowling nearly most of the time and still watches her with a bit of a wary eye. So Lexa takes the small talk and the forced smiles in the hope that perhaps one day Abby may see her without toleration and with honesty instead. _It's stupid_ , she tells herself one night, _I don't need her approval._

But there's the voice in the back of her head that screams, _yes, yes you do._

"Heda?" Aden's voice pipes up from where he's standing in the marketplace with Tylía and Brenna. The two girls whisper something before dashing off, leaving her most favoured novitiates alone with her in the middle of the stands. She sighs and straightens her back, pushing her thoughts of Abby's disapproval away and focuses her attention on the young boy. He looks up to her with a small smile, crossing his hands behind his back like she does. Lexa tries to hide her smirk of the memories of when she'd been a Nightblood and how she'd follow Anya around, mimicking her walk and swagger like a duckling. Aden isn't the subtlest of students, and it's clear to the other bemused Nightbloods that he's a bit of a, what Octavia called, _teacher's pet_.

That expression still baffles her slightly.

" _Sha_ , Aden. What is on your mind?" Lexa asks as she adjusts her sword around her hip. Aden grins again and pulls out a box from behind his back. Lexa frowns at it when she sees that it is wrapped in parchment, something that is only received for special packages… or _gifts_. Lexa sighs at him.

"What is this?"

"A…," Aden fumbles with the word in English and Lexa waits patiently before he grins again and quips out, "a present!"

"Why?" Lexa asks, arching her brow as he nervously shoves the small box forward. Aden gulps and pales a little at her inquisitive tone.

" _Skaï prisa_ said that you are celebrating a birthday soon," he explains in a quiet voice, "she told me presents were acceptable forms of celebration."

"The thought is appreciated, Aden, but…," she trails off, however, when she sees how Aden looks up at her with a distant expression. His eyes are glued to the box and Lexa can see that he's struggling to contain his own emotions. The past few months he's been opening up more, talking more with the girl from _Floudonkru_ here on a work placement with her aunt. He's about your age when you'd first stated to acknowledge your feelings for Costia. The memories of the Commander making a clay rabbit (which looked more like a blob of rock if you'd asked Lexa) for her first love rush through her mind.

"But?" Aden rasps as he looks up, near heartbroken. And no, Lexa's done quite a few hard things in her life, but she can't do this.

"But," she says as she offers him a flimsy smile, "you should know that there's a time and place for everything." Her tone is teasing and she adds a ruffle to his sandy hair for good measure as a few Polis citizens pass through their way. Aden's scared expression drops and he blushes madly, mumbling under his breath but still leaning towards Lexa when she winds an arm around his shoulder's and pulls him in for an embrace. She can't help but press a kiss to the top of his head as his arms loop around her middle and tug her close. He's always been more than just her student and he knows it, too.

Lexa puts it in the back of her head to talk to her lovers about starting their own family.

"Are…," Aden stammers lightly when he pulls back from the embrace, shifting from foot to foot while eyeing the box, "are you going to open it?"

"Would you like me to?" Lexa asks, raising her brow. Aden shrugs, trying to look nonchalant, but his eyes are pure with nerves and anticipation. He's so much like her, more than Lexa could be vigilant enough to notice, but in the faint connections she does make, she sees herself in his light eyes. Though his gaze is less guarded, less darkened and hollowed out by loss and grief. His eyes are innocent as a child's gaze should be. Lexa smiles at the sight.

"Words, Aden." She scolds him lightly, ribbing him. She can see Aden fight the urge to roll his eyes at her. Yeah, they're alike alright.

" _Sha Heda_ ," Aden says as he looks back to the box, "I'd like you to see what I made."

Lexa opens the box with careful peeling of the wrapping as they both settle down on an old bench looking out over the market stands. She pries open the box and looks inside to see a woven bracelet with three charms interlocked between the leather. Lexa holds it up and gasps slightly when she reads the Trigedasleng inscribed on the metal. The writing is a bit messy, no doubt Aden's print (the boy preferred drawing than writing), but it's beautiful.

"Wisdom. Compassion. Strength," Lexa breathes out as she feels her eyes mist. She looks down to a still-nervous Aden, who gulps.

" _Em ste ogud_?" Aden asks, his voice a little shaky. Lexa nods and wraps him in another hug, kissing his shaggy hair as she sighs.

"I love it," she murmurs into his scalp, "and you made it?" Aden pulls away and shrugs, his cheeks tinting a little.

"I had some help," he admits sheepishly, his grin still sticking to his face. Lexa arches her brow knowingly.

"Mika?"

"What?" Aden splutters as he looks away from her teasing gaze. "Mika's gross, why would she ever-"

"Aden," Lexa interrupts gently as she places the bracelet upon her wrist, "love is not weakness. Do not deny your feelings for too long. Our lives are short in this world. If you care for her, and if she cares for you, go after her. Being the Commander can be lonely at times, but it does not always have to be that way. Enjoy love, my boy. It's important that you recognize it for what it is." Aden cocks his head at her, both happy and curious at the same time.

"What is it, Heda?" Aden asks. Lexa's eyes soften as she looks up to see Clarke, Octavia, and Raven walking over to a market stand to buy something.

"Strength."

**|#|**

"Tally-Ho, Tidy-Whitie, Tits McGee," Raven chants out as Titus practically fumes in place. "Taco Bell, Tim Bits -- ooh I like that one. What… hey! Wait up!"

"What?" Titus scowls as he turns around. "I already told you, there is no word for explosion or boom or awesome in _Trigedasleng_."

"Damn that sucks," Raven sighs as she frowns, "I guess I'll have to make one up."

"Must you always waste my time?"

"No," Raven answers back with a tip of her chin, "well… not always at least. But that's not why I'm here."

"Oh _please_ elaborate."

"You know, for someone who says he doesn't joke, you seem to have a lot of sarcasm under those head tats, Baldy."

"I more important things I have things to do, _Reivon_ ," Titus sighs as he looks over at her with exasperation. "What do you need this time?"

"It's about Lexa," Raven says as she lowers her voice a little. Titus' brows raise in alarm and Raven quickly shakes her head, appeasing his worry.

"No, she's okay. It's about something she mentioned a few nights ago," Raven explains as they walk down a hall towards the throne room. She tugs on his arm lightly, causing him to stop slightly. This time, he doesn't roll his eyes because Raven asks him, "was she really raised by wolves?"

"She told you that?" Titus asks, slightly agape at the thought that Lexa would impart such personal information. Raven nods and looks down.

"We thought she was kidding, but then she kinda went quiet and I'm guessing it's something she doesn't talk about much but obviously it's an important part of her. I mean, we all know she's great with animals from the way she cares for her warhorse and the Nightbloods' wolf-dog pups. I was just wondering, I guess, if you could tell me more about them?" Raven asks as she looks to Titus, who seems reluctant. He frowns and bites his lip.

"The Commander's private life is not mine to disclose-"

"No, I get that. I just mean like abstract details. Like something I can work with to create something," Raven explains, cutting him off. Titus arches his brow in confusion, but Raven just smiles as she glances over his shoulder to the entrance to the throne room where Lexa is in the middle of a peace-keeping meeting. "It's for her birthday present. Octavia, Clarke, and I are working on something big with Indra and the Nightbloods. We just needed a final piece, really." But then, Raven's eyes widen and she reaches out for Titus' arm and tugs. "Actually, forget telling me. Why don't you show me?"

"Where are you taking me?" Titus grumbles as he's dragged down the halls and towards the elevator. " _Reivon_ , I have-"

"This is for your daughter," Raven grins as she nods to the two guards in the lift. Titus' cheeks redden a bit at the words but Raven only rolls her eyes.

"She's your kid, Padre. Get used to it," Raven snorts with a chuckle as she beams at the older man. "Besides, don't you want her happy?"

Titus doesn't reply verbally, but Raven sees the slightest of nods and the misting in his eyes so she softens a bit.

"You're the last piece," Raven says as they descend to the ground floor and make their way to the forest, "and I think the most important one."

**|#|**

"What was Anya like?" Octavia asks Indra as they lift a few heavy boulders through the forest. Indra's gaze grows a bit foggy with nostalgia as she looks up at the younger woman with a smile. They set the rock down and pause for a break, reaching for their water skins as they take a few sips. 

"Anya was Lexa's older sister, not by blood, but by bonds. They were inseparable. Ever since they found her in the woods, they were together. Play-fighting, wrestling, chatting up other girls," Indra chuckles at the last bit as she leans back against the tree stump and basks in the chilly winter sun bathing down upon them. "Anya was more into sampling whereas Lexa only ever had eyes for Costia. Anya was the one to nudge her in the direction of talking to the girl. Titus would harp on about love being weakness and all that, but never stopped Lexa. That girl…," Indra trails off a little as she fingers the mouth of her water skin, trying to reign in her emotions. Octavia waits patiently, her gaze softening as her mentor gathers herself together and sighs.

"Lexa has a heart ten times the size of her body. She's patient and giving and she loves so deeply that it scared all of us. Costia was more to her than just some mindless crush. They were in love, intertwined, like the sun and the moon. Costia kept Lexa grounded through her leadership. I told you Lexa was ruthless in battle, but I didn't tell you that she was also forgiving. The deal she took with the Mountain Men was not one done lightly. She took it because she knew that in the end, there would be more deaths than lives saved. Not everyone wanted to go war, Octavia. Lexa would not lead her people to war unless it was absolutely necessary. Anya was the one who pushed for her to attack upon the Ice Nation after Costia's head was delivered to her bed. Lexa was the one who said no, who said to send troops to the Queen and accept their terms of agreement and initiation into the Coalition." Octavia listens to every word, her hands fumbling with her water skin as she swallows down the agony that burns in her throat at the thought of Lexa having to sit in the same room, at the same table, as the woman who tortured and beheaded the love of her life, and then sign a peace treaty with her. It enrages her.

"Anya was hotheaded and brash," Indra whispers as she places her skin back in her bag, "but she saw reason where others wouldn't. It was one of the effects Lexa had on her. In turn, Lexa earned her bravery and courage from the General. Sometimes I wonder if she ever took the time to grieve her sister's loss. Gustus, too. He was her uncle, her protector. I still remember the days when he would carry both Anya and Lexa home on his back from a day of training and playing. He was always joking with them. When Lexa broke after Costia, Gustus was devastated the most. It'd been his job to protect her and he blamed himself since then. We could've looked harder, could've tried harder to find her, but in the end, we all knew Costia's fate was sealed."

"Is that why Lexa doesn't celebrate her birthday?" Octavia asks as she looks to her mentor. "Because she doesn't have anyone to celebrate it with?"

Indra just offers a solemn nod.

"But we're going to change that, _sha_?" She asks hoarsely as she looks to Octavia with the faintest of smiles. "Our Heda is happy now, and the past, however scary and haunting it may be, she is not alone anymore. For years, Titus, Anya, Gustus, and I watched her walk around as a ghost of herself, as a shell. She'd wake up, lead her people, fight a war she never wanted, and then go back to her tent. Her peace became of an unforgiving kind and her eyes grew hollow with loss. She was only a child, younger than any of you were when you'd come down from the sky. She was a child and now she's a woman, still a little broken and frayed around the edges, but stronger than the Gods themselves. Raised by wolves and one with the earth and sky." 

"Some would call it fate," Octavia muses as she stands, "the ground and the sky meeting at last." Indra digests the information with a small smile.

"Yes," she whispers as she rises, reaching for the block of stone, "I suppose it was meant to be."

**|#|**

"You can't avoid me forever, Clarke." 

The blonde jerks her head up at the sound of Lexa's raspy voice at the entrance of their bedroom. Raven had taken Titus and Octavia was with Indra as they prepared Lexa's gift. This left Clarke in charge of the final touches, ones that she'd gotten by scrounging through Polis' markets in search of answers. She quickly pockets the sketching she'd just done and saunters up to Lexa, prepared to say something snarky and teasing, but then she sees the raw fear and vulnerability in Lexa's shining green eyes, the vulnerability she knows is solely reserved for her. It's not that Lexa isn't emotional with her other mates, but that Clarke knows as much as there is to know about Lexa, about her darkest secrets, her most troubling regrets, the barest form of the Commander.

"Hey," Clarke whispers as she trails a hand up Lexa's side and cups her cheek, "look at me."

It takes sometime before Lexa's head turns and a few of those tears get trapped in her eyes. Clarke pushes back her own urge to cry as she leans up and presses a soft kiss to Lexa's lips, her tongue tracing over the slightest tremble in her lover's bottom lip before she feels Lexa's mouth part. Her entire body is quivering now, from anxiety and apprehension Clarke knows plagues her deeply. Somedays Lexa will just be off, distant to the world. Her mother mentioned something about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, of how it may be affecting Lexa more than she lets on. Lexa would hide her shaking hands from her lovers, would blink back the tears and steel her breathing from going into a fully-fledged panic, and would leave the room before she could have a meltdown. She wouldn't mention that the sound of gunshots and sudden noises made her flinch, even though they all caught the subtle tensing of her shoulders and harsh swallows. She would place that impassive mask over her face for her people, to let them know that they would be safe, even at the cost of her own happiness, her own safety, that if blood is to be spilled, it would be from _her_ veins. She would carry their burdens until her last breath. 

 _I'm the Commander_ , Lexa had murmured when Clarke caught her at the balcony after having woken from a night terror, _I must bear it for them._

They all knew, Clarke especially, that panic attacks and depressive episodes were frequent with the Commander. Her own three months in the wilderness had taught her about how the horrors of the past can catch up so quickly. It was something that she'd noticed in their first weeks together as a polymorous couple. For someone who held the world in the palms of her scarred hands like it was made of glass, she had a hard time believing in her own strength. The deprecation that Clarke and her lovers saw nearly brought them to their knees, that despite all she'd done, Lexa still had troubles finding herself, trusting herself, _loving_ herself. And for that reason, she would space herself away and deal with the wars in her head on her own. Her own mother had expressed her own worry when Clarke had explained the situation after having found Lexa sitting on bathroom floor with her knees drawn up to her chest like a small child. She couldn't talk, couldn't explain why or how she got there, couldn't cry about the suffocating constraint that held down her lungs. Lexa had been numb and lost to the world for ten minutes until she finally broke out of her dazed trance with silent tears and a bare shake of her head.

She remembers how her mother had solemnly told her Lexa's mental injuries needed more healing than any of her physical ailments, that perhaps they would never truly heal considering Lexa never prioritized her own feelings before others. Abby was never fond of the woman, that much she knew, but her mother understood the gravity, the weight that Lexa carried since she'd been old enough to wield a sword. And while Clarke and Raven and Octavia had their own burdens to shelter, nothing every compared to the lives of tens of thousands depending on one person to lead them. The role of the Commander, the meaning and the responsibility, it would never come to them. And Lexa, sweet and selfless Lexa, always ensured that they never had to be in positions that required that level of devotion. Their first time love-making, without the influence of alcohol, resulted in constant need for reassurance. Lexa would ask them if they were okay, if she was doing the right thing, if she was too rough as if she thought her hands that have been stained with the lives she'd been force to take would somehow leave their dirtied mark upon their bodies. She saw them as pure bodies, women and love she did not deserve. It was then that they learned that seemingly ruthless Grounder leader was just as much as a girl as the rest of them. That she had real fears, real insecurities, and real feelings that the world had never let her accept.  _The Commander cannot be weak_ is a constant mantra that would come from each time they'd approach her about it, one that leads to Lexa pushing down her own niggling depression, self-loathing, and anxiety to the point of breaking.

And now, she can tell Lexa is close to _shattering_.

"Breathe with me," Clarke steadies her as she reaches down and takes Lexa's hands and grasps them tightly, "Lex, you need to breathe-"

"I'm scared," Lexa whispers against her lips, her eyes closing as her forehead rests upon Clarke's own. The words send shivers down Clarke's spine as she hears the raw trepidation that Lexa had voiced. Clearing her throat, Lexa chokes again. "I'm scared I'm not enough. I'm scared that my love is a burden. I wouldn't be able to live if I'd lost you, too. I know we're in times of peace now, but anything could happen, enough to take you away from me and it _terrifies_ me, Clarke. I've never been happy, not truly. I've been a vessel since they discovered the colour of my blood, and now that I am happy, I'm scared I'm going to lose it. I'm scared that I'm going to wake up one day to your slashed heads, that the last time I say I love you will never be enough to save you."

The confession comes tumbling from Lexa's quivering lips in harsh pants and Clarke's heart twists in agony. She knows that Lexa doesn't have much in the terms of friends. Indra is close, but their relationship is more of distant aunt than anything. Titus had engrained pointless methods and beliefs and twisted Lexa so much that the poor woman didn't know how to allow her heart a chance to breathe. Sometimes she wishes that she could reach inside Lexa, to palm over the scars that paint the organ that keeps her alive and to assure her that she is beautiful inside too. That she is worthy and good and true. She wish that she could draw Lexa out of the broken shell of her body show her everything she sees from her eyes, to make Lexa understand how important and amazing she truly is. She wishes that Lexa could look at herself the same way she looks at her people and her lovers and her children. Lexa always had so much love to give, but she never gave any of it to herself.

"I'm scared," Lexa sobs against her as Clarke's arms wind around Lexa's shoulders, "I'm scared that now I'm happy, I'm going to lose it. Lose _you_."

"We're yours for as long as we all draw breath," Clarke assures her, her hands palming up and down the taller woman's back. "And I know that you think your role is a burden upon us, that you can't protect us, but listen to me. We've been at war since we landed and we survived it. We survived death, paralysis, capture, bone marrow extraction, you name it. And that's just the first few months of us having been here. We're at peace because we are strong, Lexa. As one unit. I know you think that you have to carry the world like you're Atlas, but you're not alone anymore. You can let us shelter you, too."

"Commanders don't live long, Clarke," Lexa whispers as she slumps slightly against Clarke's front. "None of my predecessors… no one…"

"You're not them," Clarke whispers as she tucks a strand of chestnut hair behind her love's ear, "you're stronger, Lexa. You're different. Special."

Lexa would never stand for it, but in Clarke's eyes, this is when Lexa is the most beautiful. When the kohl is removed, the braids undone, the bindi gone. When only _Lexa_ stands before her, not the Commander. In some strange sense, she feels almost guilty for feeling like this is side of Lexa only she gets to see. But she's sure that there's a sight that only Raven gets to see, the same with Octavia. But nothing compares to this, to the girl who holds together thirteen clans but still is as small and fragile as the child she is. She remembers the time they'd first met, when they'd shared a tent and Lexa had told her a few of the things she'd been through, of her love of the girl who held her heart before Clarke's tender and scarred fingers could wrap around the damaged remains. It's one of the main reasons why she chose to work on this part of their gift. It's because this is her side of Lexa, her _own_ gift, really.

"I love you," Clarke breathes the words before capturing Lexa's lips in a kiss, "I need you to know that you are always loved, Lexa."

"Would you… would you still have stayed if you didn't?" Lexa asks, her bottom lip trembling when Clarke nips it lightly. The younger woman frowns in confusion and Lexa nervously looks to her hands as she chokes out, "if you didn't love me like you did, would you still have been my friend at least?" It dawns on her then, that Lexa's love for her stretches beyond what she can verbally and physically show. It's this unstoppable force and her mates, _Clarke_ , are the immovable objects. Clarke sees the sheer fear, the loneliness that she knew had torn a hole through Lexa's delicate soul, one that she knows may never fully close up, from the abandonment to the hatred back during the tense coup-stages between her clan and the Grounders.

It's the one that made her heart clench up when she'd gotten up in the middle of the night to Lexa screaming awake to a night terror a few days after the Commander's fight with Roan. It's the one where she'd watched, unbeknownst to Lexa, as the brunette had stumbled through the halls and to another balcony. It's where she'd hid behind the corridor and listened to Lexa try to control her crying, the muffled apologies to her, to Anya and Gustus, to Costia and her parents. Where she'd forced her eyes away from the sight of the regal woman reduced to a heaving mess, trembling and hunched over the railing as the night skies listened to her soft pleas. It's then when she realized that her hatred for Lexa's decision on the Mountain was unjust, because the other woman's three months alone, holding up the world without a single care from anyone, a single reciprocation or acknowledgement that she doesn't have to bear this burden alone, had broken Lexa more than Clarke ever wanted. Clarke had managed to take three months on her own to deal with what she'd done to the people in Mount Weather. She was allowed to run while Lexa was forced to stay and fight. It's then that she realized that the hatred, the loathing that Lexa had taken because she thought that it's what she _deserved_ for betraying the blonde -- it wasn't fair on the brunette. She'd watched from the shadows as Lexa had slipped on her boots and threw on a jacket as she'd descended the elevator, and it was then that Indra found her and scowled. 

"Where is she going?" She'd asked the warrior. For a second, there'd been a flash of sorrow in the veteran's eyes when Indra swallowed hard.

"To safety," she'd said as they looked over the balcony of Lexa's retreating figure into the woods, "to home."

"I thought this was her home," Clarke had replied, puzzled. Indra had only scoffed lightly before turning away.

"No, girl. Home is not a place," she'd whispered sagely, "home is where the _heart_ is."

It's all Lexa's ever wanted, Clarke thinks to herself as she looks to Lexa's distant and cloudy gaze now, she's only ever wanted a _home_.

Something stable. Something assuring. Something real.

Something, when all she ever got was nothing.

And then Clarke can hear her own voice from a year ago in the back of her mind.

_Don't we deserve better that that?_

"Yes," Clarke answers Lexa's question (and her own, in a sense) in the softest of voices, "you're my best friend, Lexa."

Even when she's teary-eyed and shaking, Clarke's never seen Lexa smile so honestly.

**|#|**

Raven and Octavia return late in the night to find Lexa curled into a ball on the furs, her face pressed close to Clarke's side. The blonde is still awake, propped up on her side so that she can absently trace lines through Lexa's scalp, calming the occasional whimper that burbles past her lips. Octavia and Raven exchange a sympathetically solemn expression as they strip out of their clothes and pull back the furs gently as to not disturb the sleeping Commander. All three of them know that the past few days have been stressful on their lover, mostly from endless treaties and meetings, not to mention the whole birthday surprise fiasco that has Lexa on edge. They know that it can't be easy for Lexa to let her guard down for so long.

"It's almost finished," Raven whispers to Clarke before she kisses Lexa's back, "Indra just sent the last workers home. Titus is impressed."

"Getting a good impression with our future father-in-law?" Clarke jokes lightly as she continues massaging Lexa's scalp. Raven only shrugs and Octavia giggles. They all squeeze in close to Lexa so that the older brunette has a part of their skin on her own in some form. Octavia lays her head in the space between Raven's shoulder blades, her eyes growing heavy with sleep as her hand absently reaches out to slowly soothe Lexa's trembling frame.

"How bad was it?" She murmurs as she glances up to Clarke's eyes. The blonde sighs and her heart clenches when Lexa whimpers again.

"Bad," Clarke mumbles as she leans down and keeps her lips to Lexa's forehead, her eyes closing as she steadies her focus on Lexa's breathing. Raven has taken to rubbing her hand up and down Lexa's side in a gentle stroke. They all watch over their mate protectively, holding her close until the shaking stops and she is back to light snores against Clarke's chest. Raven keeps her head nestled right in the back of Lexa's neck, her lips resting on her shoulder.

"I wish we could make it go away," she whispers, but then she remembers what happened the last time they'd done that. The battle inside the City of Light had been taxing on Lexa more than anyone else. As the Commander, she'd seen and felt the pains of _all_ of her past lives' deaths, losses, and lonelinesses. Clarke had told them of how she'd seen a few of the horrors that plagued Lexa's mind, from the corpse-less head of her beloved and the deaths of her Nightblood brothers and sisters during her conclave. She'd seen Lexa tear herself apart so that she could protect Clarke and save their friends from the A.I that wanted to corrupt the world again. Lexa had guarded the door and prevented the blonde from harm as she'd destroyed it and brought everyone back.

Lexa couldn't talk for a week after they'd returned, bloodied and torn, from the dastard _haven_ as Jaha had labelled it.

"Do you think we're doing the right thing?" Octavia asks from Raven's skin in a soft whisper. "With her gift?" Clarke swallows and lays fully on her side, not moving when Lexa shifts more of her weight onto her front with the faintest mewl escaping her lips. Her hand frames Lexa's face as she kisses her nose.

"She needs closure," Clarke murmurs as she feels Lexa's hand non-consciously place itself above her heart, seeking the steady beat, "she needs _us_."

**|#|**

Lexa wakes up to the feeling of lips on her body.

It's not the worst feeling in the world, that much she can think as she lets a soft moan part her lips. She haphazardly opens one eye to see Octavia's mouth upon the corner of her jaw, nipping and licking up the hard bone until their mouthes meet. She can feel Clarke's lips on the opposite side, sucking gently upon the nape of her neck until she's finally roused from her slumbering state. There's another tongue dipping down into her navel and licking its way across her torso with loving sucks and pecks. Lexa barely nods her hand down to see the mop of chestnut hair and caramel skin dipping below the sheets. 

"Good morning, Heda," Octavia hums as she mouth seeks Lexa's own again. "Happy birthday, _hodnes_."

"Mm," Lexa purrs back as Octavia breaks the kiss to allow Clarke the chance to give her own. "Good morning indeed."

"Twenty-one," Clarke chuckles as she pecks Lexa's lips again with a sharp nip to her bottom lip, "how do you feel?"

"Like the luckiest woman alive," Lexa murmurs as she feels hands softly prying apart her thighs and that sneaky tongue lapping through her folds. Lexa's breath hitches and her hips buck, causing some of the furs to slide off her torso and reveal a messy-haired Raven smirking up at her from between her legs. Clarke and Octavia both chuckle and continue their own ministrations, each of their hands claiming a breast as they pleasure the Commander.

"What…," Lexa gasps again as two fingers plunge inside of her, "what is this?" 

"Fuck, Commander. Don't tell me you don't know about birthday sex?" Octavia grins under her jaw, nipping the soft skin there. "It's the best part."

"Birthday sex?" Lexa barely echoes as the familiar burn at the base of her belly begins to rise. "Ah… _jok… nami der, niron_."

"Let go," Clarke whispers as a hot tongue laps over the erogenous zone of her ear lobe before her teeth take it a tug, " _come_ , my love."

" _Jok_ ," Lexa hisses as her hips buck upwards and she finds her orgasm hitting her out of nowhere. In another situation she'd be mortified at having released so early, but she can't help but bask in the loving nips and sucks and touches that seem to set her skin on fire. She feels so encapsulated but in a good way. Like she's drowning in a sea of love and asphyxiating into the heavens themselves. Raven continues to eat her out until she's rearing onto the end of yet another powerful orgasm, one that causes her to growl and claw down both Clarke and Octavia's backs in frustration and sheer pleasure.

They take their turns with her then, refusing any kind of reciprocation because apparently birthday sex is a present and presents can't be returned. At the end of it, Lexa looses count of just how many orgasms she's managed to receive from her lovers. The last known number before her mind was shot to the blissful haze of lust and love had been four, but she's sure that it's _at least_ six. They're in their bed, warming their furs, until the midday sun beats down through the windows and the winter breeze causes them to cuddle in close. Thoroughly exhausted, Lexa lets her lovers hold her until she can breathe.

"I think I like the concept of birthday sex," Lexa chuckles once she can breathe, "it is a gratifying present. Thank you, my loves."

"I'm glad that you liked that bit," Raven murmurs as she leans up to kiss Lexa again, "but you already know we have an actual gift for you."

"This was more than sufficient," Lexa pouts, but Clarke and Octavia shake their heads, tugging upon her limbs to try and rouse her from the comfort of their post-orgasmic bliss. Lexa groans and tries to burrow back under the warm furs, but soon enough she caves and lets herself be dragged out of bed.

They enjoy a bath together, in which Lexa finds herself being pampered by her loves. Not that she doesn't love the attention, but she feels like they're being left out so she manages to sneak her hands under the water and bubbles to fondle and touch her lovers, pleased when they allow her fingers and mouth to wander. They all pleasure each other until the water prunes their skin and they realize that they have to actually bathe if they want to get out and show the birthday girl, as Raven had called Lexa, the gift the three Sky girls had been working effortlessly upon for the past few weeks.

The women aren't surprised when Lexa opposes the blindfold and remain grateful when the flicker of anxiety only lasts a moment as the bandana is cast away. Instead, Lexa allows Octavia to wrap her hands over Lexa's eyes. It's a bit of a reach considering the height difference, but Lexa doesn't mind it because the giggles that leave her lover's lips are sweet enough to take away from the awkwardness. They walk through the snow and into a place that Lexa knows all too well. The crunch of leaves and ice beneath her boots and the smell of pine and snow fill her senses and Lexa can't fight the grin from her place. There's the apprehension there, too, but if there's one place Lexa's always felt safe, felt at home, it's in the woods where she was born.

"Okay," Clarke's voice startles her slightly. She sounds nervous as she says, "keep your eyes closed, okay?"

Lexa nods as she feels Octavia's hands remove themselves from her face. She can feel her lovers leave her side and she quells the panic rising within to tell herself that she is safe, that things are okay, that it's her birthday and while she may have never celebrated it before, she's allowed to start over -- to be happy. She swallows down her fears and internal self-loathing thoughts as whispers are exchanged between the three women… and a few others?

"On the count of three," Raven says as Lexa gulps, "one, two, three…"

Lexa blinks open her eyes, and at first she has to adjust to the sunlight that pours in from the naked tree branches. It's after a few blinks that her eyes refocus and settle on the image in front of her. It's one that causes her breath to stop and her heart to cease its beating. The sheer sight of the gift (the word is a massive understatement) that is presented before her, all a proof of the labour of love that comes from not just her lovers, but her _people_ , too.

It's a series of marble statues that rest upon the cliffside that overlooks the city of Polis. They're massive enough that she could probably spot them from her bedroom. The first one is the stoic figure of Gustus, carrying a shield and a sword, donned in his armour and chiseled to look like the immortal God that Lexa had always envisioned him to be. She steps forward and runs her hand over the stone, her breath catching in her throat as she moves to the next statue of Anya atop her horse with her bow drawn and an arrow loaded forward. Her hair is strung and intricately carved to appear loosely hanging over her shoulders while her stoic face is captured perfectly. Her hand can't help but ghost up to the horse, Persephone, one that had been loyal to her even in death. Tears are welling in her eyes as she looks back up to Anya and Gustus' gaze, and with the light pouring over them, she can almost feel them here.

The next statue is one that Lexa never thought she would see again in her life. She barely breathes out Costia's name as she finds herself weaving around the middle statue to the one of her ex-lover. Costia's in her Nightblood attire, but instead of a sword in her hand, there's an olive branch and flower petals woven into her luscious curly hair. Her eyes are wide open and pure, the stone somehow encapsulating the softness in her features, of the innocence and purity of her soul. She reaches up to touch those hands that even in concrete seem gentle and smooth. There's a lightness in her heart, an uplifting sense of hope as she removes her hand and takes a step back to the middle of the arrangement to spot two wolves, one alpha and one beta, with the Commander bindi on both of their foreheads. She kneels before them as if they were real, reaching out to run her hands over the strong muzzles and clear eyes.

And then, she looks to the figure that stands smack-dab in the middle of all her protectors, to see a statue of _herself_ in her commander gear. The sash has been carved so it looks to be flowing in the wind as she sees herself standing tall and proud, with head staring clearly at the tower of Polis. She dons her staff, the one that she uses to train the Nightbloods, and that's when she notices that it's meant to represent the bridge between the sky and the ground. One hand clutches the staff while the other is palm-open, with a dove sitting in the middle of her palm to show the final offering of peace. She glances back up into her eyes to see them steadfast and strong, hopeful and diligent as they cast their gaze over the lands she'd sacrificed so much to protect.

Then she looks down and sees that there are inscriptions underneath each of the statues.

_Gostos, protector of the body._

_Onya, protector of the soul._

_Pakstoka, protectors of the mind._

_Kostia, protector of the heart._

_Leksa, protector of humanity._

And then, the tablet that sits in the middle of them, right at the very edge of the cliff, reads: _The Guardians of the Earth._

"Well…," Octavia's voice croaks from behind the woman kneeling on the ground. "Do you like it?"

Lexa is at a loss for words, really. She's crying into her hands at the sight of something so beautiful, something so precious and raw that she can't offer anything bare for a nod in their direction. Immediately, Lexa feels arms wrapping around her as she feels her loves surrounding her. And then, it's not just them. Weathered hands and dark skin cup her jaw and tilt it upwards, causing Lexa to find herself looking into Indra's shimmering gaze. She sobs into the woman's chest as the warrior gathers her close and hushes her, her hands gentle as they stroke over Lexa's hair soothingly. Titus' hand finds her back as her mates let go to allow her surrogate father to wrap his arms around her and hold her closely to his chest. He murmurs sweet nothings into her ear as Lexa continues to cry, finally shedding the weight of so many lives she's lived, so many roles, so many deaths, so she may be free upon this cliffside, in her sanctuary, protected by her guardian's statues. She feels the light of the sun and chill of the air enter her bones and she weeps in freedom.

"Heda?" Aden's small voice squeaks as he steps forward with the other Nightbloods, seemingly unsure if they are allowed to approach. Each of them are crying and Lexa sniffles before she offers them a smile and extends her arms. In the most undignified but also truest forms of affection, they pile atop her, all thirteen of her children that she raised and nurtured when they were taken from their homes. She holds them close to her and she breathes in their scents, taking in the softness of their bodies, the unbridled hopes and dreams and love they have to offer. She holds them to her chest and she vows that she will leave this world in a shape where they never have to give up that love, never have to lose as much as she had to, never have to suffer as she'd done. Lexa kisses each of them on the tops of the heads and murmurs sweet comforts to ease their cries, just how Titus had done with her. 

And then, in a surprising turn of events, they're all surrounding them. Her mates join the pile from the side, while Titus and Indra stick to the other side. They hold their broken and weary Commander in their arms until all of their tears have ceased falling. Then all of them remove themselves from each other and laugh jovially about how much things have changed, about how good things are now and how the world is finally at balance. Titus motions for the guards (who are a little misty-eyed themselves) to grab at the food pack he'd brought before they start a fire around the statues. Everyone settles in and grabs some food, to which Indra then brings out a spongey cake she'd baked earlier in the day. The announcement of her proficient skill (and secret passion) of baking earns her a teasing glance from a baffled Octavia. The warrior only scowls at her as she cuts some slices for everyone, including the guards, and tells her as she hands her a plate that not even the Commander will be able to protect her from her wrath should she let the secret slip.

"It's all good," Raven banters back as she stuffs a forkful of the cake in her mouth, "Octavia is scared of spiders."

"Raven!" Octavia hisses as Aden bursts out laughing. "It was _one_ time."

"Definitely not," Aden argues back as he settles down next to the mechanic, "you screamed _jus ripa_ during training a few days ago when you saw a small one crawling up into the trees." Octavia rolls her eyes when Indra chuckles and slaps the boy's back proudly. Raven kisses the pout from her lips, and in the process manages to smear cake upon Octavia's face. The warrior yelps before retaliating with her own cake. The surprise retaliation causes Raven to flip backwards and accidentally knock Titus down, which indadvertedly gets icing all over the man's bald head. Raven blushes and Indra cackles at the karma.

"Listen Tim Bits, I know what you're thinking, but that was totally my mate's fault, not mine," Raven begs as she sees Titus arch a brow. Before she can go to vouch for herself again, Titus strikes with precision and speed, planting icing down Raven's cheek. Aden gasps and so does Indra, shocked that the normal well mannered man would allow himself a bit of revenge. Titus just shrugs and pops some more cake into his mouth with a teasing look at Raven. 

At some point the entire group ends up in a food fight, bare for Clarke and Lexa, who are just watching on with soft smiles and warm gazes. Indra gets nailed in the face by Octavia and then is ambushed by some of her Nightbloods in a war cry of revenge for all the brutal early morning sparring sessions. They roll around in the snow, tossing both remnants of the desert and snow at each other as they play. Lexa only watches on with misty eyes and a slight upturn of her lips. Her fingers are weaved lightly with Clarke's own as they watch. She feels Clarke's head gently lean down upon her shoulder and she sighs, closing her eyes as she finally breathes in the peace she never thought she deserved, let alone would live long enough to see. 

In that moment, Lexa catches a glimpse of Anya, Gustus, and Costia smiling down at her proudly, and her heart soars.

She's in the trance for only a brief period of time before something spongey and sticky smashes into her jaw. She snaps her eyelids open to see Aden standing in front of her with a smirk on his face. He grins at her like the child he is and Lexa can't help but let out a playful roar and leap up, tackling him to the ground. Behind her, she watches as two of her other beloved children, Lila and Kira, ambush Clarke and get some cake all over the the shocked woman. Lexa goes to laugh, but then a ball of snow smashes against her head and she looks up to see Octavia grinning up at her, Raven at her side.

"You ask for war?" Lexa asks as she smirks at her mates. Octavia launches another snowball, but Lexa ducks, grimacing teasingly when she hears Clarke yelp. She turns her head to see a face full of the snow in her lover's cake-stained face. She can't resist the belly-deep laugh that rockets out of her lungs at the sight of a red-faced Clarke screaming at her for being selfish for ducking. She's about to apologize before she is nailed in the head by her blonde lover. 

"I see how it is," she grumbles as she looks to where Clarke is scrambling over to Octavia and Raven, "you forge your alliance, I'll forge mine." She looks down at Aden and then smirks at her other Nightbloods who nod eagerly. Raven throws her hands up and shake her head as she widens her eyes.

"Fourteen against three? That's not fair!"

"Thirteen children and an adult against the Commander's first General, her weapons' specialist, and the Commander of Death?" Lexa echoes playfully as she looks between them. "I'd say that's a pretty fair match." Raven shakes her head again, shoving Octavia forward in a seek of protection from the brunette.

"Um, are we forgetting that your thirteen children are basically little Commanders? It's the Commander and her army of mini-Commanders," Raven blurts out as she continues pushing Octavia forward as bait, "not fair, Heda." Lexa just looks at her Nightbloods and grins, packing some snow into her hands. She holds it in her hands and her Nightbloods follow the action. She releases a war cry and they launch the snow forward, completely obliterating her mates in a matter of minutes. Octavia, for her part, manages to get a few shots in at Aden and Lexa, while Clarke and Raven just duck behind a snowbank.

Meanwhile, from the log where the fire still burns steadily, Indra and Titus watch on with smiles on their faces. Indra's muttering about the cake and the snow and how she's dirty, but her complaints stem from a good place, one that is light. She watches as Lexa tackles Clarke to the ground, providing time for Aden and the other Nightbloods to pin the other two women to the ground until they're lolling and fitting upon the snow like children. And perhaps, Indra thinks as she gazes upon the girl who once loved and lost and died only to come back stronger and more beautiful than ever, that maybe being a child isn't such a bad thing. Perhaps they could stop measuring their time in seasons and instead in years, in love, in fond memories and laughter.

Titus keeps his watch from Indra's side, silently and proudly watching his daughter as she wrestles all three of her lovers into her arms with the help of her novitiates. They groan and whine as she kisses her lovers in front of them, a behaviour that perhaps long ago he'd have condemned. But now as he looks to the sheer pure, honest joy in her eyes, he can't help but admit that he was wrong. Lexa was in the prophecy for a reason. There are days that she doesn't appear to even be human, but instead a millennia-old Goddess sent to protect the earth. He's pondered the possibility that maybe she was a gift from a different realm to show the world that there is such thing as peace, as humanity, as forgiving and turning the other cheek. He smiles when Lexa's gaze meets his from across the way, and there's something wise and knowing about those eyes as green as the forest themselves, that springs a hope in his chest. There's something in the way she nods just ever so slightly, that Titus knows that perhaps even Gods bleed, break, heal, and love, too.

Titus has been the _fleimkapa_ for four Commanders. This is his fifth time. He should be an expert at this, right?

Wrong.

(Sometimes, he thinks as he gazes wistfully at the girl that wormed her way into his heart, it's better not to know _everything_.)

**Author's Note:**

> TRANSLATIONS:
> 
> Hodnes - love  
> Niron - lover  
> Yu branwada - you idiot  
> Em ste ogud - is it okay?  
> Jok, nami der - fuck, right there  
> Pakstroka - wolves  
> Jus ripa - bloody murder
> 
> Shoutout if you caught the Imagine Me and You reference, lol. Also Titus is OOC because Lexa deserves a proper father figure not the half fresh sack of turds JRot gave us. Also coming up with nicknames for him is fun and honestly Tim Bits is my favourite because Tim Bits are awesome??? I love Tim Bits.
> 
> Leave a comment if you can, and like I said, expect the next chapter of the last Clextaven fic to be up soon!
> 
> Thanks for all the support with hits, kudos, and comments. You guys are awesome. Lots of love <3
> 
> Cheers! :)


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